Dudes, we all know you collect all sorts of weird and different stuff. We know that you've got a bunch of goofy toys you haven't mentioned at all to the chick you just started seeing. We also know that you went to Staples a few months ago to pick up an external hard drive that you tell yourself you use for mp3s, but if you made a pie chart of its contents, the mp3s would be the missing slice and the porn would be the rest of the pie.

And while those are some pretty advanced dude maneuvers, the truly next-level scene is TILFs: toys you'd like to eff. Where your toy collection meets your dirty .mpeg stash. And be honest: Don't act as if you've never considered boning an action figure.

Here are our top 10 effable collectibles. Like the boobs on these babies, TILFs are the next big thing.



10) Ivy from Soul Calibur PVC
Picking a TILF from the Soul Calibur stable isn't too tough. But keep dreaming about Voldo, with your weird, ambiguous S&M ass. This particular PVC rendition of Ivy raises an interesting point: Just because a character is innately bone-able, that doesn't mean her toy version has the TILF title locked in. Compare and contrast this 12-inch Taki figure by Triad Toys and you'll see that a video game 9 can easily translate into an action figure 4. Ouch. Points for the nips though.
9) Jade from BRATZ
We know these toys are for little girls, but we've definitely seen Jade giving us the eye on several occasions while cruising the aisles at Target. Her Bratz.com bio pretty much sums it up: "spunky attitude." Oh, word? Also she likes electronic music. We're not sure if that means DJ Tiesto or Aphex Twin, but hey, we'll take it. Better than lame-ass Cloe, who's more into organizing charity events. Ha, how lame is that? Get a life, Cloe.
8) Lara Croft From Tomb Raider 12" Action Figure
Umm, guys, don't know if you caught this, but when Lara Croft broke on the scene, you'd only be apt to pop a boner if you had a serious polygon fetish, like on some Lawnmower Man s***. Now, by the time Lara climbed enough vines to become the hooter-ed equivalent of Mario (or maybe just the frog from Frogger, 'cause let's be honest here, folks, these Tomb Raider games blow goats.), she'd certainly turned up the heat, just in time for her toy debut. There were only a few places where the "hotness" of Lara Croft played: One was the E3 models, two was the fan-made porno, and three was this toy right here. We'd throw the Kid Robot Rough Rider on and go to WORK.

7) Chichinoe Plus Infinity PVC
For the jaded TILF collector, Chichinoe comes with swappable yabbos. Um, Japan, is there something you want to talk about? The best part is that it's completely sold out, meaning that the demand for this kind of product is greater than its supply, as in somewhere there's a guy writing a customer service e-mail that starts "I regret to inform you that we've sold through all our Chichinoe swappable breast PVC figurines." I bet that guy is pissed.

6) Bastard!!
Like Chichinoe, this TILF comes from the fine folks at Orchid Seed. (Not to be confused with Fisher Price.) I'm sure someone in our comments section will be nice enough to nerd out and fill us in on which 17-part mega-mini-manga-paperback series old girl comes from, but until then we're cool with her remaining a mystery. Although there's really nothing enigmatic about two huge hoots covered in some sort of Frederick's of Hollywood lobster bib.
5) Assassins
The best part is that you can see a little sliver of tighty-whitey under her push-up kimono ... and then POW! Just like that, your head's rolling around on the floor like a loose basketball. I feel like the RZA would mess with this TILF pretty heavy, for whatever reason. And she could kill my bill, if you know what I'm saying.
4) Coop Devil Girls
This particular scene has been floating around as an image for what's got to be over a decade. Fortunately its creator, hot-rod legend Coop, was smart enough to recognize the market for TILFs, creating a series of ultra-detailed castings of some of his racier scenarios -- in this case, a devil-woman sucking another devil-woman's tail. (OK, awesome, I'm glad I get paid to write stuff like that, maybe life's not so bad.) As much as this might turn you on, a friendly reminder to hide the s*** out of this one if you actually have a woman in your place.


3) Okita by Sky Tube
This is the kind of TILF who invites you over to her place on IM, but then when you get there she's in the other room making some cookies, and then next thing you know you're having a nice little chat with a Chris Anderson action figure.


2) The Invisible Woman (Fantastic Four) by Rockin' Jelly Bean
The TILF version of the Invisible Woman isn't exactly out yet (sorry, we don't have release dates, not total nerds here), but we'd still L to F it once it comes out. This Japanese cat Rockin' Jelly Bean designed it – you might have seen his Billionaire Boys Club graphic tees. Jelly Bean's a real perv – if you run a Google image search it's pretty much titty city. Anyway, Invisible Woman strikes us as an odd choice to make a sexed-up action figure out of (I mean, She Hulk, if you're going the Fantastic Four route, right?), but, these huge hoots are cleary visible, to my peener at least, so whatever.

1) Booty Babes
Booty Babes come in at the pinnacle of the TILF genre, hands down, by far, above and beyond, and so on and so forth. And while they don't come with swords, whips or swappable titties, they do come with the two biggest butt cheeks we've ever seen on an action figure aside from maybe the Rancor monster. In fact, Booty Babes are the only toy to make the pages of John Stagliano's Buttman magazine. Well, besides that other genre of toys guys collect.